Article by NiceBallz.com

 

Sure it’s being called ‘Tiger-gate’ but we prefer ‘Crash-gate’ because it all started with the most significant 5mph crash in history.

As the world holds its collective breath for Tiger to speak (you should really exhale, it’s not happening anytime soon Update: hey look he speaketh!) we here at NiceBallz have gone deep into the underbelly of the Woods saga to make up uncover a document that gives insight into what the Woods camp may be planning in the way of excuse-making for the late night crash.

To: Tiger Woods

From: Legal counsel

Subject:Explanations for ‘the incident’ on Nov. 27th

Mr. Woods – Thank you for submitting the various factors that contributed to ‘the incident’ which occurred in the early morning hours of Nov. 27th. Please see our counsel to you on these below.

#1 That driveway just didn’t setup well for me.
Counsel: Good…this is consistent with past statements.  Highly credible.

#2 No course marshals on hand to keep the fire hydrant and tree from jumping in front of me.
Counsel: Good…apply accountability elsewhere…poor community management!

#3 You try driving straight with an 8 iron being swung at you.
Counsel: Reserve for possible future litigation between Woods v. Woods. Consider use of ‘driver’ instead of 8-iron to increase dramatic effect.

#4 The fire hydrant and tree were not properly marked as hazards.
Counsel: Good, see point 2 above.

#5 Stevie gave me the wrong yardage between the curb and the hydrant/tree.
Counsel: Good, our research indicates a low empathy factor for Mr. Williams amongst the public.

#6 My rear view traffic camera was down.
Counsel: Good, vehicle navigation systems are prone to failure. Very believable.

#7 I was looking for a club I’d thrown near that tree earlier. Counsel: Good, we even have video evidence supporting this! #8 I was reading the latest financial analysis on my Dubai project and blacked out.
Counsel: Good!  Everyone can empathize with the financial crisis.

#9 I was distracted by surfing pics of Rachel Uchitel on my phone.
Counsel: Strongly advise against this. In fact we would like you to turn your phone over to us asap.

#10 I had to get a ‘Kobe special’.
Counsel: Advise against this…too open to interpretation.